Wednesday, October 8, 2008 @ 5:09 PM
Jealousy? Or Selfish?
I looked at the rain that fell today and I suddenly remembered those days back in Hokkaido. When I used to sit at the porch under the snow and Kaito my German will always sit by me... Cause he knew that every time I did that Something was wrong. Kaito was never like Milk, he was mature or boring if you like, but he listens to me... Hoshiko is probably a replacement for my listening pair of ears. 4 to 5 years ago I was sitting on the porch with my dog looking at the snow thinking about stuff. Today, I'm sitting in my school's courtyard looking at the rain with my boyfriend feeling jealous. Thunderstorms brings back memories or my past.Sitting alone at home staring at a blank wall while crying... Knowing that thunder and lighting are your companions for the day. You look outside there's rain, you felt as if God's pitying you. But he's not... He's trying to toughen you, to make you stronger. But, 14 years of bottled up pain... It's, it's too much. Breaking down every moment as I hang on. Why? Why am I on Earth? Why am I caught between 2 people I care about a loved? Why am I being hated for who I am? Why? Do I have to change? To look better? To be better? What is acceptable then? Who will love me for who I am? Who will date me for who I am?
Is that it? Is that the way it is? That I am on Earth only to take in people's pain? To take the hate that others directed at me? 14 years of bottled up pain... It's not only mine... Others have put their pain on me as well. I want this world to be peaceful to smile, to be freed from pain... If one life had to be sacrificed for peace and joy... I rather it be mine. If one person had to take all of the world's pain and suffering, I rather it be me. It's better to eliminate one than to lose billions of lives. Right now, all I can feel is pain... Whoever you are reading this, just a gentle reminder... Always think of the consequences before doing anything. If you think I'm not affected by what you said, sorry but my past is more complicated than yours. My life, my whole life... I HAVE NO TO GO TO. No one. Every drop of tear I shed is real. Every drop is a drop of pain in that 1.5L bottle. I'm sorry, I'm not like Hian lee, I don't have a fucking hole in it. I can only hold 1.5L... And that's it. If I don't come to school one day... Buy me a rose and say good bye. Suicidal. I hate myself. So Take me away and let me fly free. I've only brought hurt, pain and suffering. I don't deserve life... So take it away. Shoot me. Stab me. Nothing's stopping you from doing it. And I don't expect anything from you... Cause this is all my fault. I've started this... It's all my fault.
8. October. 2008
