- When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
- If I am doing anything that involves directions, tools, or sharp objects do not interrupt me and never offer to help.
- When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.
- Don't be upset that I didn't think the romantic movie was warm and fuzzy. I wasn't paying attention to the dialog, just the naked body parts and the sex scenes.
- Do not ask me to do household chores in front of my friends. Even if I do not have to do them until some time in the future. And don't be negative when you give me more than one to do. I am proud of the fact that I did one and can easily ignore the other nine.
- If you need help with the laundry I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.
- The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
- If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
- If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.
- Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
- There is no such thing as too many CDs.
- When I say she has a great set of tits or ass I am not thinking to myself "...as compared to yours...". so there is no point in starting an argument over it. I don't start with you over Brad Pitt or one of those other empty headed losers.
- Buying tools is a God-given right. It does not matter if we need them or not. The same holds true for sporting goods.
- I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
- Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
- Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
- If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.
- Please do not distract me when I am reading in the bathroom. It only causes me to lose my place, have to re-read the section, and further extends my time in there.
- Assume when we are in the video store that I am not interested in a romantic comedy. This will greatly expedite our time there.
- Alcohol is one of the four food groups and as such must be consumed in adequate quantities daily.
- No good can ever come from discussing past relationships.
- I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
- Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.
10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
23. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
24. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
25. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
26. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
27. Men forget everything - immediately; women remember everything -forever.
28. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
Top 25 things never to say to a Naked Man:
25) That's it?
24) Wow - look at all the hair on your back
23) Maybe you should start going to the gym more.
22) That was fine dear....pass me the vibrator.
21) Wake me when it is over...OK?
20) I think the condom is too big.
19) Zzzzzzzzzzzzz
18) You want me to....what...?!?!?
17) Well, that explains the padded pants.
16) Did you take out the garbage yet?
15) My husband is in the marines.
14) He's due home anyday now.
13) Is that a toupee?
12) So THAT'S what your ex warned me about.
11) No.
10) Surgery might be able to help.
9) Not until you've showered.
8) That must be my mother on the phone.
7) Your brother is bigger.
6) Your best friend is bigger.
5) Your father is bigger.
4) Wow!! Look at the size of your.....beer gut.
3) Size doesn't REALLY matter.
2) You might want to see a doctor about that.
and the number one thing not to say to a naked man . . . . . . .
1) bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
What Men are like:
Men are like ... Floor tile.
Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a lifetime.
Men are like ... Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like ... Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like ... Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like ... Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like ... Coffee
The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like ... Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.
Men are like ... Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like ... Cement
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Men are like ... Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like ... Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like ... High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like ... Chocolate Bars
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ... Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like ... Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Men are like ... Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like ... Blenders
You think that you need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like ... Coolers
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like ... Horoscopes
They always tell you what to do, and are usually wrong.
Men are like ... Lawn Mowers
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.
Men are like ... Laxatives
They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like ... Noodles
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Men are like ... Weather
Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like ... Plungers
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like ... Popcorn
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like ... Snowstorms
They sound exciting, but you never know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.
Men are like ... Used Cars
Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable.
Men are like ... Vacations
They never seem to be long enough, tho' when it's over you're a little bit sad.
